Surrender

a memory box (called 'Hug') that I bought for Max's collar

Max passed away today. He had a transfusion last night, and the vet called this morning to ask if she could prescribe a medicine called ciclosporin. At first I agreed to a two-week trial, despite the medication's hefty price. A few hours later, I went to see him, and he didn't seem any better than he was before the transfusion. My mom and I discussed it with the vet, and we learned that he would've had to be on ciclosporin for at least six months...which would've cost roughly $1600, on top of his prednisone and office visits. And there would be no guarantee that any of this would work--in fact, one of the adverse effects of ciclosporin is that it can increase cell destruction. The vet said he would probably only live another four to six years, and during that time would probably have several relapses. That would be the best case scenario.

He looked so sad and sleepy and scared. I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't let him suffer through a two-week trial of a medicine that I knew I couldn't afford to keep him on for six months. Knowing that the outcome would almost certainly be death, I couldn't justify letting him hang on just so I could have more time with him. Thankfully, he went very peacefully. He just laid his head down and went to sleep.

"Max is a star now.
You can look at him forever."
-message from Flavio

Downhill...

Max (on Tuesday), snuggled up with William (who has been very concerned about Max)

Max is getting worse. I feel so completely helpless because I don't know how he got sick, and there's really nothing I can do for him now. It's hard to anticipate his needs, like when he's thirsty or when he needs to potty, because he's too tired to alert me about these things. He hasn't made a single sound since Monday, and even then it was just a low growl to get the other animals to leave him alone. I had made an appointment to have his cell count rechecked on Friday, but today we rescheduled it for Thursday. I'm scared that if we wait until Friday, it could be too late.

I just don't know how to deal with this right now. I know maybe some people think it's silly to get so worked up about a dog, but he isn't just a dog to me. I love him so much. I don't want him to suffer, but I'm not ready to let him go yet. He's only 6 years old, and I've only had two years with him. It amazes me how he could deteriorate so quickly. Just last week he was running around the backyard, giving me hugs, begging for a bite of whatever anybody was eating. I have had no time to deal with this, to process what's happening to him. And nobody can tell me why this happened, which is so frustrating. If he gets better, how do I keep this from happening again? How does someone just suddenly get an autoimmune disease? How does someone go from totally fine to practically dead in just a matter of days?

[update]: We just got back from the vet, and as I suspected, he's worse. His red count has dropped a little bit, as well as his protein levels. Also, his temperature is below normal and he's showing some jaundice in his ears and gums. We don't have very many options at this point, so he's having a blood transfusion. Best case scenario, he starts getting better and the red cell destruction stops. Worst case scenario, the transfusion could actually speed up the process of cell destruction, and he'll die. It could be a day or it could be a week before we know what's going to happen. It's hard to be optimistic at this point.

Please Please Please

Please pray (or meditate or make wishes or whatever) for my dog, Max. For the past several days, he's been very lethargic, won't eat much more than dirt, and has been losing weight as a consequence. Today we took him to the vet, thinking that this whole thing had gone on a little too long to be a simple tummy ache. It turns out he's severely anemic...his gums are practically white! Based on a simple test, they think his red blood cell percentage is only about 10%--it should be closer to 35%. If it drops much more, his brain and heart won't be receiving enough oxygen, and he could die. We won't know until the morning what his actual cell count is (and whether or not he'll need a blood transfusion). Until then, he's on a steroid and an antibiotic (the vet thinks it's probably an auto-immune disease), and I'm freaking out that the slightest stress will kill him.

So please, keep him in your thoughts tonight. <3

[update]: The vet called a few minutes ago, and it looks like it's probably auto-immune. His white cells are a little elevated, his red cells are at 10.8%, and his platelets are normal. He seems a little bit perkier since he's been on the steroids though, and he hasn't had any collapses or fainting spells--both good signs. He's got another appointment on Friday morning to check his cell count again. She said we need to be pretty aggressive with this over the next several days, to get his red count up, but for now she seemed optimistic since he doesn't appear to be getting worse.

Sky & Bud

[ raveled: sky. ] and [ raveled: bud. ]

A couples months ago, I finished knitting an elephant for the newborn son of one of my sweetheart's colleagues. Then, I made an elephant and a bunny for my friend Sara's twins (who, I'm happy to report, were born healthy one week ago today). After Flavio showed the pictures of the toys to his colleague, she also asked for a bunny for her son, and then another colleague asked for an elephant and a bunny for her son too. I finished these two rabbits, Sky and Bud, a few weeks ago. I was planning to send all of the toys back to Italy with Flavio, but I had been so busy getting ready for him to come that I was unable to finish the second elephant. I also hadn't taken pictures of any of the toys. Well, I still haven't quite finished Sunny (the elephant), but I did manage to take some pictures of Sky & Bud this afternoon.

This fort reminds me a lot of the one my brother & I used to make as kids. We had an old quilt that we would throw over the dining room table and hide under. It was fabulous. My senior year of college, I made a fort in my dorm room using a bedsheet that I thumbtacked to the wall. Who doesn't love a good fort?

Moratorium on Cake

my home's General Electric 1950s Automatic Oven (it's mustard yellow)

My poor old oven is on the fritz. It's probably just the heating element, which we've been told is pretty simple and inexpensive to replace. I'm hoping that we don't need to replace the whole oven, and not just because that's something we can't afford. As much as I complain about the oven sometimes (the calibration is way off, things go from 'golden' to 'black' in the blink of an eye, the light hasn't worked in years, etc.), I love the fact that it's original to the house! Other than the refrigerator and microwave, just about everything in the kitchen is 20+ years old. A new oven would look so strange and out-of-place. Also, I don't know how to bake in another oven!

A few months ago, my grandmother asked me to think of my favorite sounds. And one of them is the sound my oven makes when it's opened & closed. It's not a pretty sound...kind of a grating metal-on-metal, with a bit of a bang when it shuts. It reminds me of my childhood, coming home after school as my mom's pulling chocolate chip cookies out of the oven. Or any Thanksgiving. Or cinnamon rolls on a Sunday morning. I don't think I'm quite ready to let go of these memories yet.

In Digestion

Clockwise, from the top: extra-sharp cheddar cheese, honey crisp apple, St. Dalfour organic peppermint tea, roasted pumpkin seeds, and sweet yeast diamond roll.

These are the things that have made up a large part of my diet recently. Fall always puts me in a bit of a rustic mood. Unfortunately, the pumpkin seeds are store-bought...I haven't gotten around to roasting my own yet. The sweet yeast roll is also from the store. I'd like to make my own at home, but I'm having trouble finding a recipe for them. Today I bought a jar of St. Dalfour black cherry fruit spread, so I'm planning to make some sort of breakfast pastry during my weekend. I can't recommend St. Dalfour highly enough...it's the best peppermint tea I've ever had, and their preserves are fruity and sweet (despite containing zero added sugar).

What things do you like to eat when the weather turns cool?

Sogni D'Oro

This is a snapshot of my nightstand. I just finished reading Blackbird House last night when I got home from work. It was a wonderful story collection about the generations of inhabitants of a little farm on Cape Cod. There are beautiful themes running through all of the stories...sorrow, love as an anchor, ghosts. I'm looking forward to reading Alice Hoffman's other books (like The Ice Queen, a grown-up fairy tale about lightning strike survivors, which I'm starting tonight).

Flavio started reading Pinocchio to me when he was here. I got it on clearance when my local B&N was moving to another location, but unfortunately it's one of those abridged versions for children. When I'm in Italy (26 days!!), I plan to buy it in the original Italian. I'm hoping it will help me learn the language. Or it may just join my small collection of books in languages I can't read.

I bought Grimm's Fairy Tales when Flavio was here. It's not the complete collection (which I have in paperback, packed away somewhere in the garage), but it had such a pretty cover and one of those lovely little attached ribbon bookmarks. I'm a total sucker for those.

The lavender vanilla pillow mist from Bath & Body Works is one of my new favorite things. It makes my sheets smell so soft and sweet, like a baby. Behind that is the egyptian cotton scented candle I bought with Flavio back in March (he has one too, which he keeps in an espresso cup). The nasal decongestant has been my sweet relief each morning this week, as I've been waking up completely unable to breathe through my nose.

This afternoon I ordered some books from Amazon. As much as I love to buy them from a bookstore, they're so expensive! And they don't always have the books I'm looking for. Here are the books I've got coming:

• Mirror Mirror by Gregory Maguire (a retelling of Snow White...I will probably save this for the plane ride to/from Italy)
• Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi (the unabridged English translation)
• The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Allen (I really loved Garden Spells but didn't know until today that she'd come out with a new book back in May!)
• Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman (Blackbird House was so good, and I love this movie, so I think I'm really going to enjoy this book)